Long Way to Happiness
by liljemsey
Summary: She's damaged and it's coming back to haunt them now. Can the Chosen Two ever find the happiness they deserve?
1. Save Her Life

**A/N: So this is an idea I had awhile ago whilst I was listening to Pink's Long Way to Happy and then I realised that Buffy and Faith's relationship could be found in quite a few of her songs and so this fic was born. It's mostly AU but some things will stay the same I'm hoping the chapters will sort of explain it all. These will be little ficlets but they will sort of join together.**

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_She's back on drugs again__  
__Even though she knows it ain't right__  
__She can't even call up her friends__  
__And say "help me save my life"__  
__She's so ashamed of herself that she's__  
__Come full circle__  
__Nobody understands what it's like to__  
__Be this girl _

_**"Save my Life" – Pink**_

BUFFY POV:

I'm an enabler, I know it, she knows it.

I know how she feels about me and yet I can't admit to myself, to her how I feel and yet I can't stop myself from meeting her here, can't stop myself from giving in to the passionate kisses we share late at night. No one knows of course, my friends, Angel, Giles, my Mom, they wouldn't understand and I'm not even sure even I do.

I tell myself it's a Slayer thing, that I don't really feel anything for her but each time I pull away, when I leave her alone in the graveyard that desolate and lost feeling I see in her eyes leaves this unsettling feeling in my stomach and pains my heart.

I know where she goes on her bad days, how she deals. It's hard not to notice when she turns up to the library the next day with shaky hands and bloodshot eyes. On her really bad days, when our late night meetings become too much or our verbal sparring gets too fierce she doesn't even make it to the library. I always go to her motel to make sure she's there, to make sure she's still breathing because, I know it's my fault, I know that everything she puts into her body is because of me.

They see the way she sits with her head in her hands, they see the way loud noise makes her flinch but they shake it off, she likes to party, it's never been a secret. But, it's not their house she stumbles to in the middle of the night; it's not their tree she climbs crying for them to let her in, it's not their mother who finds her on the doorstep and holds her hair back while she empties the contents of her stomach. I kind of resent her for being as reckless as she is, I have never felt as free as she does. Or at least as free as she presents to the outside world, her eyes betray the despair kept hidden deep down which is getting harder and harder to mask.

It's why she turned to drugs. It's why she's out on the dancefloor now with another random guy, tendrils of sweat soaked hair stuck to her face as she grinds her body on his. I've never confronted her about it, about what it is she takes but sometimes if it's a particularly large dose I can feel it, not enough for it to affect me but enough for me to know that it's been a bad day. Her eyes are glassy and her smile is a little big off letting me know that it's more than just the bar she's been hitting tonight.

My friends are talking happily amongst themselves, there's nothing out of the ordinary about seeing her let out steam on the dance floor. My eyes are trained on her and I know in her current state the buzzing of our connection is completely overshadowed by whatever it is that's running through her veins and she has no idea I'm here.

I have no idea why I'm here. I'm not her friend; she tells me everything whilst telling me nothing. Whatever it was that we have, whatever it is that we share it's addictive and I can almost understand why she can't stop polluting herself with those substances. I can't stop going back to her and yet can't trust my feelings enough to admit myself that what we have is more than just after Slaying lust. She's told me how she feels, never when she's sober but she's whispered it those few times I've let her in after she sat swaying dangerously on the branch outside my window.

I'm sure Angel knows, I'm not sure he knows exactly what's been going on but he knows things aren't exactly white picket fencey with us right now. He cares about her, not in the same way he cares about me but in the way that they share the whole dark, brooding and gorgeous thing. She would never let him in, she lets no one in at least not when she's completely aware of her actions, which she isn't right now. Whatever it is she took is starting to control the way she moves, her arms are sluggish raised in the air and her head is resting back against the guy whose body is pressed against hers.

Everything in me is screaming at me to go over there and rip his hands from her waist. To yell at her for hours on end about how stupid she is for making herself this vulnerable, but that would mean admitting to them, to myself that I cared and I'm not ready for that. So I force myself to turn myself away to concentrate on my redheaded friend who is talking animatedly about the new spell she's learnt. I force myself to smile and kiss his cheek taking ahold of his larger hand in my own. I force myself to stay in my seat when she leads him out stumbling past our table. Force myself to close my eyes, to block out the tortured brown that stare into my own screaming at me to save her, screaming at me everything that she's afraid to say.

Her life isn't like mine. She never had the family or the stable home thing. I know she's ashamed of her past like how I know she's ashamed that I caught sight of the track marks on her arm when she came into the library the next morning. Her hands shook as she hastily threw on her jacket her eyes never meeting mine. I watch as her hands grab her stomach and her eyes close briefly as she sits in one of the chairs. Giles, for someone who supposedly had a rebellious past is completely oblivious to how close she is to self destructing. My hands clench at my side as she reaches a shaky hand to brush her hair away from her face. Why should it be me? What makes her my responsibility? Why do I keep going back to her?

I get my answers in one look. Tortured eyes that show hate, love, lust, despair and hope.

It will be me.

I will save her life.

**TBC**

**A/N: **Please review. This has been in my head for so long I don't even know if it can go anywhere, I'm hoping it can so feed the starving author with your thoughts.


	2. Bitter Little Pill

**A/N: Thanks for all your kind words. Hope this next chapter satisfies. **

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_One night to you  
Lasted six weeks for me  
Just a bitter little pill now  
Just to try to go to sleep  
No more waking up to innocence  
Say hello to hesitance  
To everyone I meet  
Thanks to you years ago  
I guess I'll never know  
What love means to me but oh  
I'll keep on rolling down this road  
But I've got a bad, bad feeling_

_**"Long Way to Happy" - Pink**_

FAITH POV:

She thinks this is all about her. I can see the pity staring back at me every time I look at her. It's not about her. I do not feel anything for her. She does not matter to me. I do not love her. I don't know how to love her. I don't know how to love...and I don't wanna.

Love isn't real. Love doesn't exist. And Faith Lehane doesn't fall in love.

I know I gotta rep and I see the way they look at me when I walk outta the Bronze every night with a different guy. I'm sure Red's got some sorta tally goin' on her computer so she can rate my slutometer or somethin' but I don't keep track. To be truly honest I don't remember any of them. I remember him though. The way his breath smelt sour, the way he grunted in frustration as I fought against him, the way his calloused hands ripped the clothes from my body.

Yeah it's no surprise my junkie Ma had a dickwad of a boyfriend who got his kicks by screwing her eight year old daughter. No big right. I'm a big girl I can take care of myself.

Only I can't. I see his face all the time, in my sleep it feels like he's right there with me, his suffocating weight crushing me as he destroyed my innocence. Maybe I was never innocent, maybe we are pre-programmed with how we're gonna turn out. B's innocent. Blondie's so fucking innocent she still has a fucking stuffed pig for god's sake. I'm not jealous. Roll of the dice yeah.

I knew I had a tough sitch. My first Watcher showed me that straight up. Swore to myself I'd never go there, I'd never become the woman that my Ma was. Life's funny that way. Guess you never can change the cards you're dealt 'cause I'm fast becoming her. The pills I popped fifteen minutes ago more than enough proof of that. My first Watcher, I don't like ta say her name, makes me feel all kindsa sick inside, she spoke about B like she was the fucking messiah or somethin'. Longest living Slayer blah blah blah. When I saw her, well the chick is like California all bottled up and put in one person with her blonde hair, tanned skin, tight ass...

Not going there. I don't care about her ass or her lips....and the way they feel on mine...

Bitch totally jumped me one night after slaying. Major case of the double H's. Total surprise, never thought Miss Tightly Wound would go for trailer trash like me. That's not to say I didn't like it, had my own case of the double H's to take care of and I'd been finding myself thinking more and more about her weirdo sense of humour, and the way she did a little half smile, and the way her eyes twinkled when she teased Giles and that tight ass...

I was all kinds of shocked the first time we kissed, the intensity, the passion it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I felt it tingle through me our connection intensified with our proximity. So yeah, I want her. Big deal doesn't mean I love her. It's a pretty regular occurrence now. Sometimes she'll hold my hand while we patrol, sometimes she'll sling an arm around my shoulders and lend me some of her warmth. Sometimes we'll spend what feels like hours making out after patrol our bodies humming with desire.

She's ashamed of me. I know that much. Not surprising really. The Golden Girl already has herself a hot vampire toy boy, guess I'm just dessert. But I don't care, I said that already. Guess my head's getting jumbled. Better be it's why I screwed the guy who sold me the pills, said he'd give 'em to me cheaper that way, bastard better not have ripped me off.

Didn't mean to start the drugs. I just wanted some sort of relief. From her, from him, they're always in my head. He haunts me during the night, the nightmares sometimes so bad they make me physically sick. I usually drink myself to sleep nowadays, helps with the dreams, can't really break through when I'm passed the fuck out after downing shot after shot of Jack. It got too much one day, she always leaves me, uses me like I'm her whore. But I can't stop, I can't stop letting her in. Maybe I do lo....

Fuckin' drugs making me say crap. She knows it, she knows I won't ever say no. I asked her once why she kept coming back. She sprouted some crap that it was all about our connection. I fucking hate her.

Sometimes I wake up in her house and I can't remember how I got there. She never says shit about what happened the night before and I sure as hell don't ask her. Once I was in her bed...how the hell did I get there? Those mornings are not so bad, Mrs S usually cooks me breakfast which is not somethin' I'm used to, hard to get a decent meal when the only money you have is the stuff you steal.

The thing is, I know I'm slipping and I can't do a damn thing about it. I need them like I need her to survive. If I don't have them, the drugs, it's like I've never escaped Boston, he's there every night waiting for me. World's kind of spinning now and I feel kind of numb. I like it, I can hardly feel the random guy's hands that are feeling me up right now as we dance. If I close my eyes I can pretend it's her. In this hazy world it is her. I don't feel sick when it's her, I don't feel cheap when it's her.

Fuck I'm a mess. I can't even hold my own head up and I now I'll regret this in the morning. But I catch a glimpse of blonde in the light and it reminds me why. Why my life has gone to shit. Why I'm so fucking depressed all the time because I can't find anything to hold onto. This guy is practically holding me up now and I've reached that stage where my mind is comfortably blank and the lights swirl in front of my eyes as the drug pulses through my veins. I don't even know what the hell it was I took.

I think I need help.


	3. Nobody Knows But Me

**A/N: And before you yell I know it's short. Enjoy the shortness, revel in the shortness, review the shortness.**

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Nobody knows  
Nobody knows but me  
That I sometimes cry  
If I could pretend that I'm asleep  
When my tears start to fall  
I peek out from behind these walls  
I think nobody knows

"**Nobody Knows" - Pink**

BUFFY POV:

Something's off with her.

I'm frowning at her from where I sit across the table in the library but she's a million miles away. Willow is staring at her as well, I think she knows something's wrong. Xander is oblivious, he's just staring overtly at her cleavage which is spilling out over her top, which I'm pretty sure is the same one she had on last night. That in itself is a bad sign, she usually at least manages a shower after a bad day. She looks at me then, well rather she looks past me and I can actually feel the bile rise in my throat. It's not the day after, it is a bad day.

She's never turned up high to school before. I've never seen her high in the daylight. That in itself makes me so mad that my fingernails cut through the skin of my palms as I clench them tightly under the desk. I want to go over and smack some sense into her. How could she think they wouldn't notice? Her eyes are glassy and her head is now lolling against the back of her chair and sloppy grin plastered on her face. I push my chair back so abruptly that it crashes to the floor and stops Giles in the middle of whatever it was he was saying.

I drag her out of the room practically kicking and screaming. It's way past being all secretive, it's way past lying for her. Giles and Xander probably have no clue what's going on but I'm pretty sure Willow has a clear idea considering she's following us down the hallway. I don't look back at her. I can't look back at her or I'll see something there that I really don't want to.

Luckily for me it's still pretty early and there are not that many students around. Most people would probably have something to say about me dragging her half conscious down the hallway. I drop her in the shower of the girl's locker room and turn on the cold water which splashes down on her unceremoniously drenching her with reality. Willow is standing beside me watching as she lifts shaky hands to brush water soaked strands of hair away from her face, watching as droplets fall from the ends.

When she looks up I can hear Willow gasp next to me. The pain, the shame, the helplessness that is reflected in her eyes is enough to bring even the hardest of souls to their knees. It's not directed at Willow though. It's directed right at me. All that pain, all that regret, it's being displayed just for me to see. I want to pull her from that water so bad. I want to take her in my arms and whisper to her that everything will be alright. But that Buffy doesn't exist in this reality, in the reality where we're at school and my best friend is standing right here looking between the two of us with confusion etched deeply in her features. This Buffy turns off the water and throws her a towel.

This Buffy offers her a stern look and throws in a "Pull yourself together."

This Buffy's heart breaks when she sees tears running steadily down the broken brunette's face. This Buffy knows that that brunette if ever questioned will say it was the shower, she knows that Faith would never admit to crying, not to herself, not to anybody else.

This Buffy knows more about her counterpart than she sometimes wished she ever did.

**A/N: Short and not so sweet. Hope you enjoyed. Tell your author how much you enjoyed. **


	4. Lonely Girl

_Lyin awake watchin the sunlight__  
__How the birds will sing as I count the rings__  
__Around my eyes__  
__Constantly pushing the world I know aside__  
__I dont even feel the pain, I dont even want to__try_

"**Lonely Girl" – Pink**

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FAITH POV:

I haven't seen her in three days. Three whole fucking days and it feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside out. I got kicked out of my motel room for not paying the bill so I'm sitting up on top of the school watching the sunrise. I've been camping up here for two nights and no one has even noticed. Not that anybody would ask.

It's not like I could afford to stay anywhere else the motel was already the shittiest place in town. Not many places are willing to take in broke junkies. Yeah, I'm a junkie. So fucking what. I'm not my mom. I don't have some kid in the background who I beat on and let my boyfriend screw when I'm too fucked to move. I'd rather spend my cash on getting a hit then on food at least that way I don't have to feel. Hunger or the other thing.

I don't sleep anymore. I don't do anything anymore. Not since. She ended things with Angel and I was so happy. Fastest three fucking seconds. I thought that that was it for us. She was gonna come clean to her friends. And I could have stopped it all. The drink, the drugs it all would've stopped because she wanted me. The next time I saw her I'm sure I looked like the biggest idiot with a huge fucking smile on my face. I nearly walked right up and kissed her. The looks she gave me then.

Well now I'm up here and I haven't seen her in forever. I think I'm repeating myself. I don't even know. I haven't slept since then. Whatever it was that I've been taking has kept me up. That's the way I like it. I don't want to see her face every time I shut my eyes. I don't want to feel his hands every time darkness overcomes me. I don't want to be so fucked up that she's ashamed of me. A bitter chuckle escapes my lips because I am fucked up. And there ain't nobody who can help me. I don't have friends. I have her friends who don't even like me, they tolerate me because of her. They'd do anything for her. I'd do anything for her.

And now I'm not even making sense. I don't love her. I feel like screaming. I feel like throwing myself from the roof just to see if anyone would care. I don't though. Fear stops me. Fear of no one caring. Fear of becoming just another nameless face in Sunnydale's body count. Fear that she could sigh in relief that another problem has been taken care of.

The guy who sold me this stuff. I think he was a guy. Do guys usually have tails? And what the fuck is a tail even for anyway? Wait what was I saying? Fuck that sun is bright. You know B is kinda like the sun. Well her hair is kind of shiny. Was that a giggle? Did I just giggle? Fuck, what the hell was that stuff? Faith Lehane does not giggle. But B is like the sun, everything revolves around her. I should say everyone revolves around her. The fucking Scoobies follow her around like the little lap dogs they really are.

Yeah I'm a little bitter. I never got that. It's like all the bad stuff that could ever happen to her got dumped on me. B got the good stuff. Her mum gives her full on hugs and shit, it's no joke I've seen 'em. I can't even remember the last time someone hugged me. Don't think dear ol' Ma ever did.

Whatever. I don't even care.

That bird is giving me a funny look. Chirping little fucker is out to get me. He knows I'm not 'sposed to be up here. It's a struggle but I manage to pull myself up and swat at it and fuck I nearly fell off the fucking roof. Told you he was out to get me. I laugh again as I lie back down. Fucking irony, big bad Slayer taken out by a fucking pigeon.

Woah, it never rains in Sunnydale, like never place is like a desert or somethin'. Maybe I should ask G about it. British people know about weather and stuff right? Oh. It's not raining.

Yeah, get over it. So I do cry. Except that I don't. And I'm not. If you tell anyone I'll kill you. Fucking bird, he's going to tell I just know it.

It's pretty blurry right now. Not sure if it's the non-tears or the something that I took. Only it's brighter now. And it's not the sun.

She found me.


	5. A Bad Trip

**A/N: A massive thank you to all the reviewers. You guys are awesome with a side of fantastic. Thanks for all the support you have no idea how much it inspires me to write faster. Hope you enjoy this next chapter. **

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I haven't moved from the spot where you left me  
This must be a bad trip  
All of the other pills, they were different  
Maybe I should get some help

"**Just Like a Pill" – Pink**

BUFFY POV:

Not many people know that I get scared. I don't show it a lot. I mean how would that look. But right now. I'm scared.

I've never seen her like this before. Usually I catch the end of the show. But right now, she's tripping and it's scaring me. When I found her up on the roof she was crying which in itself threw me for a loop. When she saw me she started laughing. It's wasn't a happy laugh, it was hollow and bitter. I felt like leaving her up there to deal on her own but I hadn't seen her for a couple of days and I was worried. She whispered my name and that was it, I knew I couldn't leave her. I half dragged-half carried her back to my house and Mom was just leaving for work when we came up the driveway. One look at Faith and she was right out of the car helping me get her into the house.

On the odd occasion when Faith has ended up at my house after a bender Mom has always been there and she kind of knows what's going on. Well she doesn't know what we feel...I mean what Faith feels. Point is Mom is no stranger to the Faith in the midst of a hard night. I know she wants to talk to her about it but whenever she stays over she's always gone before we get up so she's never gotten the chance.

After we got Faith upstairs and into my room whatever it was that she'd taken really started to hit her. Now she's lying on my bed and her entire body is shaking. Her eyes and wide and glassy and she's staring intently at the ceiling. She hasn't said a thing since we bought her up and I can almost feel the heat radiating off of her and I'm sitting on a chair next to the bed. Mom's holding a cold compress on her forehead trying to stop her from knocking it off in her agitated state. Mom keeps asking me what she took and I have to bite my lip to stop the tears falling because I don't know. She's trying to get it out of Faith but she's really not in any state to be answering anything right now.

Mom wanted to take her to the hospital but I'm starting to think that whatever she took is mystical because I've never seen her react like this before. She usually has two types of reactions. If it's a really bad night she's pretty useless. She's quiet and pretty much out of it but she's never like this. She usually stays in her room on those nights and I wait outside to make sure that she's okay. She doesn't know that of course. I don't know how she'd react if she knew. On the other nights she gets violent. Those are always the hardest to judge because it's harder to recognise if she's taken anything or not. I don't really want her slaying when she's taken something but on those nights when she just gets angry I don't realise until later that she wasn't her usual self.

Mom's hand on my arm pulls me from my thoughts and it's not until she wipes at my cheek that I realise I'm crying. I don't want to be crying over her. I don't want to worry. I don't want to want to lie down on the bed next to her and pull her into my arms. I don't want to feel what I do for her. I don't want to be the reason she does this.

Mom thinks we should call Giles and I'm inclined to agree. But I don't want them to know this about her. I know who we have to call. I don't want to make the call but he's the only one who will help. When he arrives she's holding onto my Mom's arms so tightly that I know it has to hurt Mom but she's not showing any signs of pain. She keeps murmuring comforting words while keeping the cold compress on Faith's forehead.

Angel checks her arms for track marks but only finds old scars. I avert my eyes from his because I know what I will see there and I don't want to see it. He says what she took is called Abyssus and is usually taken in pill form. He said that it was created by those demons who wanted to reform and use it as a way to forget. He said that your mind goes completely numb. It's not meant for humans and he said that's probably why she's having a bad trip. He said it won't kill her and Mom and I both breathe a collective sigh of relief. He lingers after I thank him and I can tell he wants to talk to me but it's not the time so I leave him downstairs.

I can tell Mom wants to talk to me. I can't face her. I can't tell her that it's basically all my fault that Faith needs this to make her forget. And yes, I do take some responsibility for it. I know how she feels about me. It's no secret. She thinks it is but I can tell. She's different around me. Softer, like she's worried I may break or something. She's never gentle with anyone or anything else.

She's reluctant to leave but I reassure her I will come and get her if anything changes. She extricates herself from Faith's grasp and runs a quick hand over Faith's head before leaving the room, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze before she goes. I take a look at the girl lying on my bed. She looks like death. Her skin is unusually pale and the dark rings under her eyes indicate that she hasn't been sleeping.

When she comes down I don't know how she's going to react to being here.

I want her to stay.

I take the seat where Mom had been sitting and reach over gingerly tracing my fingers down the side of her face. It's like my touch pulls her out of wherever she was and she turns her head slowly her eyes meeting mine.

"B I-I don't know what's going on."

"I know, it's going to be okay, you're safe now."

I've got you.


	6. Talk Me Down

_Am I sweating?_

_Or are these tears on my face?_

_Should I be hungry?_

_I can't remember the last time that I ate_

_Call Someone_

_I need a friend to talk me down_

"**One Foot Wrong" – Pink**

FAITH POV:

I feel like I'm two people, like I'm watching the scene from afar. Everything is hazy and I feel like I'm burning from the inside out. Only her hand is cool on my forehead. The other me is muttering some nonsense and she has this worried frown on her face. I want to tell the other me to shut up. To stop look so fucking pathetic. But she won't listen. She's shaky and pale and completely out of it.

It feels like there's something crawling inside of me and I watch as bed ridden me begins to struggle reaching out to try and claw at her own arms. B is struggling to hold me down as I thrash on the bed and her own tears mingle with my frustrated ones as I finally collapse back down onto the bed. I made her cry. Can't feel much lower than this.

Except that I can. It seems like decades have passed and I'm curled up in a ball on her bed groaning as another wave of pain passes over me. I'm begging her, pleading with her to give me something. I need it. I can't go on like this. She only shakes her head no and wipes my forehead. I hate her. I need it.

I don't think I've ever felt like dying as much as I do now. Death would be a welcome change from the hell I'm enduring. My stomach feels like its turning inside out only there's nothing there to expel as I haven't eaten in days and I'm left with a burning feeling in my throat as whatever acid is in there escapes. She's gone I guess she had school or something and that just makes it worse. Mrs. S is with me, I think she's holding my hand but all I'm feeling is the pain and the craving that's making my whole body shake.

And then it's like a calm washes over me, I'm not sure if it's the song Mrs. S is humming as she strokes my hand or the fact that I know B just got home. The pain is still there, the want is still there but I'm able to dull it a little if I focus on our connection. The smell of the food she brings in with her makes me gag and Mrs. S holds my hair back as I hang pitifully off the side of the bed not able to control my limbs enough to even hold myself up.

If I could focus on anything other than the pain and intense longing that I have to run out of the house and find the first hit I could find I would have the decency to be fucking embarrassed by how weak and pathetic I am. Instead I groan again shaking my head as she slips in behind me on the bed and with the help of her mother pulls me up so that I am resting back against her chest. I try and push myself off her groaning my protest. I don't fucking want to be held like a baby I just want to get the fuck outta here and score. Oh god she's trying to make me eat. Well she's actually holding one arm around my middle and the other is gripping my hand as her mom brings a spoonful of what looks like soup up to my mouth. Is she fucking kidding me I'm not a fucking baby.

I try and struggle but good old withdrawal has sapped me of any strength and I hardly move an inch. Instead I settle for shaking my head where it's resting back against her shoulder hoping to make it at least a little difficult. Whatever they put in my mouth is only going to come straight back up so what's the point. I wanna yell that I'm not a fucking damsel, that I did this to myself. That I wanted to do it. I don't need them, I don't need her. Only it feels like her arms around me are the only things keeping me here. I could disappear. Float away into the deep recesses of my mind and stay in the welcoming darkness. I can't stop the sob that escapes as another tremor of pain radiates through my body. I beg them not to make me eat. I scream that I don't want it, I don't want their help and as much as I try and fight against her she holds on tight, my lifeline.

She only has to say a soft 'please' and I'm opening my mouth like a fucking baby bird. Mrs. S manages to get about half the bowl into me before I'm begging her to stop and she relents helping me to drink some water. B is making these comforting noises behind me, I can feel them reverberating through her chest where my back is resting and I realise that I'm groaning, the muscles in my stomach cramping and my skin covered in goose bumps that betray the fever running it's course through my body.

"Make it stop."

I guess I must've passed out or something because the next time I open my eyes it's dark outside. I'm lying on my side facing the window and I know B's lying next to me because her hand is warm where it's resting against my back. I need to get out of here. Not only because being this close to her and knowing that she doesn't want me is killing me but the desire to go out and find something, anything that will stop these images running through my head now that I'm well and truly into withdrawal. I begin to painfully pull myself up, immediately missing the warmth of her hand, my arms are so shaky they can barely hold my weight but I manage to push myself so that I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. Bile rushes up into my throat as my head swims but I push it back down. I don't manage to stop the groan that escapes as I try to stand and her warm hand on my arm lets me know that I woke her.

"Faith."

Just my name passing through her lips makes me stop. Not sure how far I could get in my current state but it's enough to at least make me pause in my effects.

"You don't need it."

I do.

"You're stronger than this."

I wish I was but I can still see his face every time I close my eyes. I can still feel his breath on my skin, hot and sticky, I can still remember the way I cried and I can still remember that as much as I try to forget you don't want me, so yeah B I'm not as strong as you think.

"I sent Angel after your dealer."

Fuck, means I'll have to look for another one, sorry B you're gonna have to try harder than that. I muster up all my strength and manage to push myself off the bed standing on shaky legs my whole body weaving. I hear rustling and I know she's getting up off the bed and she comes to stand in front of me. She places a hand on my waist and I know it's there to hold me up rather than to stop me leaving. She knows if she wanted to stop me I'd be no competition right now but she's such a fucking do gooder that she wants me to make the decision on my own. Not gonna happen B.

"Stay for me."

Shit.

**A/N: Well how'd you like that one? Let me know. Press the button it's all shiny and wants to be pressed. **


	7. Catch Me While I'm Sleeping

Oh, Oh You can catch me while  
I'm sleepin', darlin'  
Maybe While I'm dreamin', too  
'Cause It's a lonely, lonely, lonely place  
for me baby  
It must get lonely for you, too

"**Catch Me While I'm Sleeping" – Pink**

BUFFY POV:

Mom told me some things, things that would happen to her whilst she was going through withdrawal. The shaking, the fever, the vomiting she's had all those and it hasn't been pleasant for any of us. Insomia. Mom said it was common. I'm not even sure how she knows all this, guess she read up on it or something. Anyway out of all of it I think it may be the insomnia that's going to kill her.

She's exhausted. And not just in that wow I've been on my feet all day I'm so tired kind of way. In the I am literally so tired I cannot support my own body kind of way. After I got her to come back to bed I drifted in out but I know she couldn't because her shaking and groaning woke me every so hours. Even if that hadn't woken me looking at her now I'd no. The deep dark circles under her eyes and pale skin age her beyond her years and give her away.

She's better than she was yesterday and it feels like a massive weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I mean her hands are still shaky and I know how badly she is craving a hit, she keeps scratching at her tattoo maybe to keep her hands busy, I'm not sure. We're watching TV now, Faith, Mom and I, we thought it might help her relax a little. Mom keeps offering her food which she declines which worries me more than it should. The look in Mom's eyes is like she wants nothing more to pull Faith onto her lap and rock her to sleep whispering over and over again that it will be alright. Can't say my thoughts are much different. Except that I want to kiss her better.

I do. I can't deny it. I love her. As much as it hurts. I don't know if I can tell her. If things go badly between us I don't want to be the reason she relapses.

She's sort of curled against me now, I had to carry her down the stairs. I'm not sure how she feels about it but she doesn't have the energy to move so I guess she's sort of stuck. I'm itching to put my arm around her and pull her close but I couldn't handle the rejection if she reacted badly so I keep it where it is.

"Faith honey, are you sure you don't want to lie down?" Mom asks, worry lines etched around her eyes. I can't believe how good she's being about this whole thing. If it was me who was addicted to something I'm not sure she'd be this cool with it. Faith's been here before whilst she was drunk and Mom's helped her out then but I don't think she knew that she was using. The way Mom looks at her now it's like she's a damaged little girl who needs nothing more than a good hug to make everything better.

"Can't," Faith croaks, "Don't want to."

I think that's part of the problem. I know about the nightmares, many drunken nights where she's crashed here I know about the terrors that haunt her in the darkness. She won't let herself fall asleep. She doesn't want to see whatever it is that plagues her when she shuts her eyes.

"We'll be right here," I whisper to her softly enough so that Mom can't hear, "I won't leave you."

The look she gives me is heartbreaking, like she wants to give in, she wants to believe me and I can actually feel her relax a little against my side. That simple gesture gives me the confidence to put my arm around her and she tenses again but her resolve gives almost instantly and she relaxes again. Mom scoots over on the couch so that Faith's feet which are curled up on the couch are touching her thigh. I shoot her a look over the top of Faith's head but she shrugs me off reaching her hand over and beginning to stroke her fingers gently through the brunette waves of my dark counterpart. Faith looks at her alarmed but Mom doesn't waver her gaze trained on the TV, score one for Mom.

It's like the straw that broke the camel's back and she's out within five minutes her head falling to rest heavily against my shoulder.

"Poor thing is absolutely exhausted," Mom said softly cupping Faith's cheek, "She's just a child Buffy, do you even know how old she is? How does a child fall this far?"

I don't think she actually needs an answer to the last one. Mom's pretty perceptive that way, she knows Faith's had a hard life.

"I-I think she's sixteen, but I-I'm not sure."

"Well I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be younger, she doesn't look a day over fifteen," Mom said softly. It was true. Regarding Faith's unguarded face she did look much younger than she usually did. My heart clenched painfully at that, not to mention the way she was burrowing into my side her head moving on my chest and one of her hands reaching to grab a hold of the collar of my tank top. Mom observed us and I realised that my hand had taken up what she had stopped stroking through locks of dark hair that were almost painfully soft.

"She loves you," I look up sharply at that.

"W-what?" I stammer completely thrown. I know I said she was perceptive but how could she possibly no.

"Why is it that she always ends up here when she's at her lowest? She desperately wants your love Buffy and I'm afraid if you're not willing to give her that that she'll fall even deeper."

It's true. And I always knew that when we kissed it meant more to her than she was letting on. If I'm being honest I always knew that it meant more to me than just post slaying H and H. But I was with Angel and she was a girl. Only now with her soft body pressed close to mine and Angel out of the picture and feeling how much she needs me I don't want to hide it anymore. I've hurt her enough and the fact that I'm partly responsible for her falling so deep hurts more than when I had to send a sword through Angel's heart.

"I do, love her."

"I know sweetheart," Mom says softly putting her arm around me so Faith is sandwiched between us.

I can't help the tears that fall. I want to make things better. I rest my forehead against the top of her head her deep breathing soothing me in a way that Angel's never could. Her hand is warm where it rests against my heart and I feel like I never want anyone else to be the one to make me feel this way.

"I do love you," I whisper into her hair kissing the crown of her head.

I want to be brave enough to tell her when's she's awake, but for now I'll be the one to catch her when the inevitable terrors come to haunt her while she's sleeping.


	8. How Do I Feel This Good?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me  
But why do I feel this party's over?  
No pain inside, you're like perfection  
But how do I feel this good sober?

"**Sober" – Pink**

FAITH POV:

I've been here for two weeks. Two weeks since she found me up on that roof. Two weeks since I've had a hit. Two of the longest weeks of my life. The first week was complete hell, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was going to die if I didn't get something and I couldn't escape the torturous images that assaulted me every waking minute.

It's better now. The physical pain is nearly gone and my hands don't shake as much as they used to. I can actually keep food down now although my appetite isn't exactly what it was before. One night, and it when I was in fucking agony all curled up on B's bed, Mrs. S was sitting next to me being all caring and stroking my hair and whispering comforting shit to me, she'd made B spend the night in her room because well B looked as bad as I felt. She hadn't been sleeping well since she found me so I guess it was catching up to her. I guess I was begging her or something, pleading with her to let me have something and she told me that whenever I felt like I really needed it that I should think of something I really love to take my mind of it.

Guess it's no surprise what I think of.

It works though. I know surprised the shit outta me too. But it does bring along a whole new pain. One that hits me right in the middle of my chest near where my heart is. She stays close which is kind of like a double edged sword. I want her near me, I need her near me, but at the same time it hurts so fucking much to have her that close to me and not be able to pull her into my arms and declare my love for her. Except that I'm a fucking coward, there's no way I could tell her. She'd probably send me packing or something and I like sharing her bed far too much to ruin it with something stupid like spilling my guts.

In that first week when I couldn't sleep I would sometimes just look at her, so peaceful, so god damn perfect, just being near her would almost make it okay. If I could muster the strength I would try and roll closer to her so that our arms and legs were touching and her body heat would help relax me.

I'm sitting in between them on the couch at the moment and we're watching some chick flick that B picked out. She's curled up under a blanket and somehow her feet have ended up in my lap. I kind of freaked, I didn't know where to put my hands and ended up resting them wicked awkwardly on her legs. I'm feeling kind of jittery, like my skin is crawling, and fucking craving something like you wouldn't believe. I think Mrs S noticed because she took my hand which had been itching at my tattoo into hers and held it there rubbing the pad of her thumb over the back of my hand. Sounds harmless but for someone like me who's mother never took her hand off the bottle long enough to even think of being motherly like to her daughter, well it feels like heaven and I kind of sink back against her a little.

I'm kind of waiting for them to ask me to leave. For them to realise that I'm a burden that they didn't sign on for and kick me to the curb. I don't wanna say it because I know it'll fuck everything up but I almost feel like I'm happy. I feel like I have people who care. Like almost everything is going alright. The only other thing I need is her and everything will be perfect. I don't even know how it's possible to feel this way without a little extra something to help it along. Is this what it feels like to be happy? I look over at her as she shifts her feet in my lap and the smile she gives me makes me wanna melt. She makes everything okay, she makes me want to get better.

"Willow called for you earlier," Mrs S tells her daughter and whatever happiness I had been feeling disappears like it was never there to begin with. I've been in this little bubble, where it's just been the three of us, I'd almost forgotten about the outside world and the people in it that could ruin everything.

I guess my face must betray my feelings because suddenly I feel myself pulled against her side her arms wrapping around my shoulders so tightly that I have no choice but to lean against her.

"I'll call her later," she says absently to her mom, giving me a hesitant smile.

What the hell is going on here? What is she playin' at? Why does this feel so right?

How could I have ever put those things in my body when just being in her arms feels like a high I've never experienced. How is it possible to feel this good?


	9. Always Walk Alone

_You're angry__  
__I know this__  
__The world couldn't care less__  
__You're lonely__  
__I feel this__  
__And you wish you were the best__  
__No teachers__  
__Or guidance__  
__And you always walk alone__  
__You're crying__  
__At night when__  
__Nobody else is home_

"**Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self" – Pink**

BUFFY POV:

She thinks she's like this huge mystery to all of us. Like she's this enigma that wears leather and dark eyeliner who glides through the night almost like she's a part of it. She forgets that I've seen her at her absolute worst. That I've held her hand while she moaned in pain, that I've held her hair back as her body rejected whatever food was in it, that I've held her whilst she cried after a particular horrifying nightmare woke her in the middle of the night that I had to ignore her as she begged with me to let her have something. Listening to her pleading and not giving in was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Seeing her in that amount of pain was torturous and even though I knew it was bad I almost wanted to let her go if it would make her feel better.

Mom knew I wanted to give in. I think she wanted to give in as well. I caught her crying a little once whilst she was sitting with Faith. I think it was hard for her to see Faith like that as well. I think, no, I know Mom sees Faith as another daughter. She's loving having someone who she can dote on. I think she's trying to make up for all those years when Faith's mom didn't treat her right and lavishing her with all sorts of motherly love. And in the constructs of our home Faith is more than willing to accept any sort of physical and verbal comfort Mom can give her.

But here in the library surrounded by my friends she's completely closed off, mask firmly in place. Sitting across from me her arms are crossed across her chest, a frown fixed permanently on her face as she listens to Giles speak. He, of course has no idea what she has gone through over the past couple of weeks. I told him she was sick, the flu, which, surprisingly he believed and didn't question further. Xander fell for that as well, his reaction similar to Giles' spare the offer to go and play nursemaid to the sick brunette. Willow knew, I begged her not to tell the others and her loyalty to me is what stopped her. She doesn't hate Faith, she doesn't really know her, sometimes, I even think that she likes her.

She didn't really want to come in with me today but I told her it would start to look a little suspicious if she stayed away any longer. She's been sober for about three weeks now and Mom has started to set up the spare room for her, she's going to move in permanently. I couldn't stop the little happy dance I did when Mom suggested that. For now she's still bunking in my room and I get to witness the terrors that wake her sweating and biting back screams. Sometimes she doesn't wake and I get glimpses into her past. She talks in her sleep, I don't know if she knows that, I think if she knew the secrets she reveals in the dark that she would never stay in the room with me. She mutters about her loneliness, reassures herself that she matters as if no one else ever would, reveals how she feels about me...

We're like polar opposites and yet so similar. The darkness is where we survive, where we live, where we come alive. In the darkness I can reveal to her the depths of my feelings, pull her close and kiss the top of her head as I whisper to her how I feel. I can only tell her this whilst she is completely unaware and she only tells me in her dreams. But when I get glimpses of her life, when she whimpers into the darkness, when she begs him to stop I know it has to be me. She doesn't know how to love, no one has ever loved her. It's no wonder she is afraid. It's no wonder she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings. This has to come from me, and in the safety of the darkness when she is burrowed into my side I feel brave enough to be the one to make that move.


	10. Love Me then Leave Me

_What the hell was on your mind__  
__You thought I had the time, to be your little undercover thing__  
__But see I can't deal with that, so you better just split with that__  
__Come at me real__  
__Quit playin these silly games__  
__How can you love me, and then just leave me__  
__Because you see somebody looking__  
__And you think they disagree_

"**Can't Take Me Home" – Pink**

FAITH POV:

When she told me how she felt I felt sick. It was everything I'd ever wanted but it's hard to believe. Why would someone like her ever want to be with anyone like me. When I start thinking like that it's like a haze of darkness comes across my vision and I want nothing more than to go out and get completely shit faced so I try not to go there. Instead I concentrate on convincing myself it's true. I think I see it in the way she places her hand in the small of my back, the way she brushes the hair away from my face and kisses my forehead for no reason and in the sweet nothing's she whispers in my ear when she thinks I'm asleep.

This thing between us has been growing since I came to live at her house. It's doing my head in. I don't know what it is and I don't want to ask because I'm too fucking afraid that she'll stop altogether. I think it's been about a month since I've been here, the first week or so is pretty hazy for me so I'm not one hundred percent certain.

It all changes when they're around. Her hands stay firmly at her sides and she practically ignores me. I know she's scared of how'd they'd react. her last squeeze went homicidal and nearly sent the world to hell and all but it still hurts like a mother fucker when she closes off like that. I know if this was her she would say the same thing about me, but the Scoobies are very protective of their golden girl and I've taken enough emotional bashings to last me a lifetime thank you very much.

When she pulls away I feel cold, like she's the only thing that keeps me warm. I don't want to go back to being so fucked up that I don't even know my own name but sometimes I feel like it was easier when I was living in the dark, before I knew what it was like to be in her life. Now I know what it feels like to have and to lose. If she loved me wouldn't she be proud of what we share? Wouldn't she want them to know?

Fucked if I know. I don't know the first thing about love, or being loved. In fact love scares the shit outta me. The thought of giving that much of myself to one person seems ridiculous. How much they could hurt me with that...how she hurts me.

Mrs S gave me a little nugget the other day and as much as I appreciate her taking the time to pass on her little pearls I don't know what she was smoking when she told me this. She sat me down all serious like on the couch and did that whole tucking my hair behind my ear thing that makes me want to curl up on her lap like a kitten while she reads me stories. Wait, forget it. I meant that thing she does that pisses the hell outta me and is so fucking annoying, 'cause you know, I'm badass and all that. Anyways she was looking at me all serious and she said,

"Faith, if you don't make yourself vulnerable you will never feel."

I kind of nodded at her but woman is way off base with that one. I haven't been vulnerable in a long time and I've felt a hell of a fucking lot. Far as I can tell making yourself vulnerable never got anybody anywhere. If I open myself up to her all the way what's to say she's not gonna turn around and not like what she sees. I don't particularly fancy having my heart ripped from my chest.

Maybe she's giving me a sign. By pulling away when we're around them maybe she's letting me down easy. Tryna make it so it won't hurt so bad when she lets me go. Or maybe couples just don't do that sorta thing. Never really had any examples to compare. Ma wasn't really the hold onto them kinda gal and even Mrs S has never had a boyfriend whilst I've been in the hood.

God I'm a fucking contradiction. I want her to love me, she says that she loves me but I'm too god damned screwed up to believe it. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that pulls away. Maybe I don't want them to know. Everything is so nice in our little bubble that maybe I don't want them to screw it up.

No that's not it. It's not me. It's her, it's definitely her. She's afraid of what they'll say so she unlinks her hand from mine. She thinks that they'll hate her more so she's the one who stuffs her hand firmly into her jacket and walks away from me. It's her that crosses her arms and looks away from my eyes.

It's totally her...


	11. Broke Me Into Pieces

**A/N: I was a bit scrambley when I wrote this one so it's sorta all over the place. Hope it's readable and understandable. As always please let me know what you think.**

************************************************************************************************

_It's gonna take a long time to love__  
__It's gonna take a lot to hold on__  
__It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah__  
__Left in the pieces that you broke me into__  
__Torn apart but now I've got to__  
__Keep on rolling like a stone__  
__Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy_

"**Long Way to Happy" – Pink**

BUFFY POV:

It's more than frustrating when she pulls away. It's hard work trying to convince her that what we have is real. I'm learning more and more about her every day. Or I should say every night. Our connection is stronger than it ever was. I see more than hear about the atrocities of her childhood. Giles thinks it has something to do with our new found relationship, only he doesn't know about the extent of our relationship he just knows that we're friendly. Anyways it's like I get visions from her past. At night when I'm woken by her terrified whimpering I get these flashes, almost like a movie's playing behind my eyes and I just know it's of her. The things she cries out match exactly what the child version is saying in these visions.

I haven't spoken to her about them. I know it would close her off even more. She's so afraid of opening herself up, to letting anyone in that I'm afraid if she knew the secrets of her childhood were revealed without her knowledge I'm scared she'd never come back from it. There's so much anger inside of her, so much pain. It's like with nothing there to numb the pain she's turned into this volcano waiting to erupt. I'm scared what's going to happen when it does.

Last night was the worst.

The things he did to her...

I had to leave the room. Leave her alone in there. My lip bled from biting down on it so hard to try and stop the tears from falling and as soon as I made it into the bathroom it was like a floodgate had opened. My poor Faith, poor sweet damaged Faith. It's no wonder she's terrified. Seeing the horrible things I've seen is why I don't pressure her when she pulls her hand from mine whenever we are around other people. I know if she could she would wear a sign that advertised our relationship but that would mean admitting to herself and to other people that what we have is real and that is what scares her the most. Admitting its real means she has something to lose.

Sometimes I think I'm nearly as messed up as she is. I almost enjoy that she suffers in her dreams because it means I can pull her into my arms and she willingly, if unconsciously accepts the comfort I give her. It's not that I actually like her suffering, that's not it at all, I hate that she's in pain, I hate that these horrible things were done to her, I just like that in those moments after she's quieted down she whispers my name before snuggling further into my arms.

She thinks my friends don't know about what goes on behind closed doors. I think she thinks I'm ashamed of our relationship. She's so far from the truth. Willow was the first one I told after Mom and I helped Faith through her withdrawal. She was surprised at first but she's more than supportive. Both she and Xander agreed not to say anything to Faith, we don't want to pressure her and scare her off. Sometimes she is so sweet I almost forget that she's never had a real relationship before. Sometimes she'll give me a soft kiss just because she can, or play with my hair while we sit together on the couch. Sometimes I think she doesn't even realise the way that she unconsciously positions herself so she's always within arm's reach of me like she's scared if she lets me out of her sight I might never come back.

Sometimes she gets so angry. Every little thing will set her off and she'll yell and curse. It's the worst when she's silent. When she's quiet I know she's remembering, remembering those things that were done to her. On her silent days I don't go into school. I don't want to see her pull away and be on her own. Instead we stay at home wrapped up in each other on the couch. On days like those it's not about the sex, which is phenomenal thanks for asking, no, on those days it's about being there for her. She'll curl up on my lap and just sit there her head tucked under my chin and I'll talk to her about everything and anything just to keep her mind off the horrible images in her head. Its days like those that I worry she will slip and relapse. When she gets those little frown lines between her eyebrows I kiss them away, whispering nonsense into her ears until they go away.

All these little fragments come together and make her who she is. She's beautiful, scarred, sweet, damaged, strong, fragile, mine...

Someday I'm sure she will confide in me, will be able to speak the words and betray her deepest darkest secrets. Someday she'll feel confident enough in my feelings, in her feelings that she won't pull away in a crowd. Someday she will come to me and tell me everything that I can see in her eyes when she looks at me. Someday he will be nothing more than a distant memory, all of the pain; the damage will be replaced by happiness. Someday she will let me put the pieces of her back together.

Someday.


	12. Author's Note

Just letting you all know that I'm going away for a week so I won't be updating, hope you guys will still be with me when I return :D


	13. I Wanna Tell My Secrets

_Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets__  
__Cause you're the only one that I know who'll keep__  
__them__  
__Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets__  
__I know you'll keep them, and this is what I've__  
__done_

"**Dear Diary" – Pink**

FAITH POV:

She told me things today. About her parent's divorce, how her first Watcher died, how she thought she killed that guy, how she had to kill Angel, how she always felt so alone. Until me. She told me that I filled some void that I was like something she didn't even know was missing. She touches my face tenderly when she says that and it makes me want to spill everything. To tell her everything he did to me, everything that's happened. She trusted me with that. Told me stuff she swore she hasn't told anybody before. How? How can she leave herself open like that? Information is power, vulnerability is weakness, how can she be okay with telling me these things?

"It's okay to open yourself up to people," she says softly running her fingertips through my hair. Almost like she read my mind.

I feel like I want to. I want to tell her everything. To get the weight off my chest that has been weighing me down for so fucking long. But it's something that's been ingrained into me. My Ma, wonderful woman that she was, told me from the beginning that showing your feelings was weakness and people only use it against you, to hurt you. So I've never taken that risk. Why put myself in that situation where someone has the opportunity to hurt me. She stares at me and it's like she's staring into my soul.

How the fuck am I meant to explain what happened? Why would she ever want to touch me, be near me after she finds out how dirty, tainted I am. I don't want to relive those memories, the ones I tried so hard to forget. It's one of the reasons I started using. To forget. Of course they never fully go away. They're always there at the back of my mind threatening to pull me down. When it's quiet, and I'm all alone they suffocate me and it's so hard to breathe as his face flashes, phantom hands grabbing, pulling, taking.

I feel deflated, empty, like I've gotten the one thing I've ever wanted but I'm so screwed up that I can't even give her what she wants. Her arms are warm around my waist, her breath hot on my neck where's she pulled me against her. But I feel cold, dead, unworthy. She shouldn't have to warm me; she shouldn't have to deal with me. She deserves more. I don't want to be a fucking pity party. She shouldn't have to stick around and be pulled down with me.

"You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to," she whispers her lips scorching against the top of my head, "But I'm not going anywhere, whether you tell me or not."

Okay now that's just fucking scary. I know we have the whole Slayer connection deal but I didn't think mind reading was part of the package.

B I wanna tell you. I wanna tell you so bad it hurts. But I can't. As much as I wanna let you in it goes against everything I've ever known. How do you just change everything you've ever believed in? How do you open yourself up to someone?

Why hasn't anyone ever wanted to know....

I'm sorry B, I can't do it.

"I love you," she whispers.

And I tell her everything.


	14. Left My Childhood Behind

**A/N: So you probably know this is going to be a bit angsty. Just a little warning that you're going to hear what happened to Faith so it's not going to be pretty and will mention abuse and rape. **

************************************************************************************************** **

_Left my childhood behind__  
__In a roll away bed__  
__Everything was so damn simple__  
__Now I'm losing my head__  
__Trying to cover up the damage__  
__And pad out all the bruises__  
__To young to know I had it__  
__So it didn't hurt to lose it__  
__Didn't hurt to lose it__  
__(Didn't learn to lose it)__  
__Didn't learn to lose it__  
__No but oh__  
__I'll keep on rolling down this road__  
__But I've got a bad, bad feeling_

"**Long Way to Happy" – Pink**

BUFFY POV:

When I said those three little words it was like a wall crashed down. I could see it, her eyes cleared and in depths of those brown orbs all the pain, suffering, regret and hatred came rushing to the surface and I physically had to tighten my grip around her waist to stop her from falling.

"I w-want to tell you," she whispered and I could feel her trembling in my arms.

I know you do.

I don't say anything because I don't want to scare her off so I just help her over to my bed and sit us down. I don't want to crowd her so I released my arms from around her and sit facing her making sure that my knee is touching her thigh, which at this point I think at this point is as much for her benefit as it is for mine. I know she's nervous, she's looking anywhere but at me and her hand goes to scratch her tattoo, a move that always lets me know she's craving a hit. I pull that hand softly into my own and her eyes find mine.

"Take your time," I tell her.

"My Ma, s-she worked three jobs when I was little, s-she didn't know who my Dad was, too many guys for her to pick from or somethin'. Anyways I was left on my own a lot, pretty much looked after myself from pretty early on 'cause she wasn't really 'round all that much. There was this one guy, Brad, she started going out with him when I was five a-and he was cool, he talked to me, t-took me to the park and all that shit and Ma was happy with him, like real happy. Didn't last though, never did, he left and she, she started drinking, drugs, basically anything to make her forget. Guess the apple doesn't really fall far from the tree," she laughed bitterly and lapsed into silence the only sound was our breathing. I didn't think she was going to continue and her inner turmoil was obvious in her haunted expression. I jumped when she started speaking again, her voice softer and raspier than it was before.

"Guess she blamed me, no I know she blamed me told me nearly every fucking day that it was my fault. Why would he want to go out with someone who had such a fuck up kid, whatever I became her punching bag, took out all her frustrations on me. We weren't rich or nothing but after that all Ma's money went to feed her habit so we had to move into another apartment, if you could even call it that and Ma met our landlord, Dustin," she visibly shuddered when she said his name.

"I was six and he was nice, gave me food when Ma had spent all of hers on smack and he treated Ma pretty good. But Ma got him onto the drink and he-he changed, he'd yell at me and hit me and Ma would just sit and watch kinda like she was glad someone else was doin' it so she didn't havta bother to get off her ass herself. One n-night Ma must've passed out before he could get off and he-he came into my room after I had gone to bed. I could hear him coming and I-I pretended to be asleep b-but he leaned over me and the smell coming off him nearly made me be sick. I-I didn't know what he wanted b-but he told me to take off my pyjamas and when I said no he ripped them off. His h-hands were so fucking rough and his stubble grazed my skin and no matter how loud I screamed h-he wouldn't stop."

Oh Faith, my poor sweet Faith.

I'm too scared to move, I don't want to startle her. I want to cry but it's not my place. She doesn't seem to notice that my hands have grabbed both of hers tightly, her eyes have a faraway look in them and I know she's not here anymore, she's stuck in that horrific memory.

"I-it happened up until I was twelve when my Ma died and I ran away. Lived on the streets until my Watcher found me when I was fifteen. A-and when she died I came here. Thought I could outrun him, that maybe if I wasn't in Boston and hearin' people that sounded like him that I could forget. But at night in that motel room he's all that I could see, hear, he was everywhere and I couldn't escape. His scent was there, I could still feel his hands on m-my, I needed to do something I c-couldn't deal. A-and you were perfect, and I needed you but couldn't have you s-so one n-night on patrol I went to some dive bar and shot up. It made everything better, I didn't see his face, when I was trippin' I was numb and it was everything that I needed. You don't know how much I hate myself for turning into her, how much I want to tear the mirror from the wall because I fucking despise what I see. But I can still see him B, he's there every time I close my eyes, I can feel him on me and it's suffocating and I can't forget it, I want to but I just can't."

She's sobbing now her body curled in on itself. How could someone do that to her, a child. My heart feels like its broken into a million pieces and I don't hesitate this time before pulling her into my arms. I can't stop my tears which mingle with her own and all I want to do is hold her forever and tell her that everything is going to be okay. Only how can it? How can someone go through what she's gone through and hope to be okay. All I can do is kiss away her tears and hold her until she falls asleep and hope that above all my love will be enough to save her.


	15. Runaway

_I might have nowhere left to go__  
__But I know that I cannot go home__  
__These words are strapped inside my head__  
__Tell me to run before I'm dead__  
__Chase the rainbows in my mind__  
__And I will try to stay alive__  
__Maybe the world will know one day__  
__Why won't you help me run away___

_Life don't make any sense to me__  
__Run away_

"**Runaway" – Pink**

FAITH POV:

When I wake up it's still dark out but I feel different, lighter, better. But then I remember that I told her everything. I can't stop the shudder that rolls down my spine when I remember the look on her face when I was speaking. How can she stand to be around me when she knows that I'm dirty. How can she stand to hold onto me now when she knows what I've done, what's been done to me?

And then I start to feel like I can't breathe. I just know that when she wakes up and sees me she's going to want me gone. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see her face or hear her say she wants me gone. I can't stay here. I won't be able to live if she says she wants me gone. I have to go.

Pulling myself from her arms is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Here in her arms at least I can pretend that I'm not screwed up. With my head on her chest I can pretend that all I can hear is the steady beating of her heart under my ear and not the voices screaming in my head that she knows my deepest darkest secrets and can now use them against me. I've gotta go, it's the only way.

I don't take anything with me just my leather jacket; I don't need much stuff to survive. I've survived with a hell of a lot less than a fucking jacket.

Sunnydale isn't cold but as soon as I'm out on the streets it's like a permanent chill is running down my spine. The funny thing is I actually have nowhere to go. Got no money so can't get a room anywhere and can't stay with any of her friends. Why did I have to go and fucking spill my guts to her like some girl. I always knew I would ruin everything it's kind of my thing. I end up in the cemetery; guess this place is the closest thing that I have to a home now. Probably could find me some crypt or somethin' and just bunk in there like a fuckin' vamp. Guess I'm probably on their level, scum at the bottom of the barrel all that crap. She deserves better, I've always thought so.

Fuck and now I can't stop thinking about her. The way she smells, the way she feels against me, the way she told me everything I've ever wanted to hear. I'm such a fucking idiot, even if she could handle what I told her there's no way I could go back now. She'll hate me for leaving and if there was anybody I couldn't handle hating me it is her. I've had a lot of people look down on me in my life and I'm pretty much used to it by now. You learn pretty early on in things where you fit in and learn to go with it, roll of the dice and all.

I stop dead in the middle of the street when I realise where I've wandered to. Guess I walked right through the cemetery and kept on going and now I'm in the bad side of town down near the docks. My Slayer senses are going off the hook as I approach the door of the one place I know I really should go but I can't stop myself. If things happen for a reason then maybe this is where I'm 'sposed to be. Maybe the Powers that fucking Be are telling me right now where my place is. No one even looks up when I enter, I was a regular here not too long ago so they know I'm not there to do them any harm.

The bartender just nods towards the back corner knowing before I even ask what I want. My heart rate speeds up in anticipation and that voice in the back of my head returns only this time it's like it's trying to steer me away from the bad path. I'm too far gone to listen now; I don't want to remember the way she felt wrapped around my body, I don't want to remember the sound of her voice when she called my name, I don't want to remember anything.

The guy is new considering Angel took care of the last one but he still recognises who I am and nods towards the back room which I follow him to. After threatening him with a little violence he gives me the stuff on the house and I give him a kiss as thanks, if I'm falling off the deep end might as well make sure that I fall all the way. I go and sit out on the docks my legs hanging off the end. I've always loved it down here, the ocean always gives off the illusion of freedom and right now I want to escape. My hands are shaking as I hold the syringe over my arm, once I do this there really is no going back. Can I handle never seeing her again, knowing that I disgust her. Is this worth undoing all that I have done all the pain of withdrawal?

If I have to live without her than this is the only way I'm going to be able to survive.


	16. I'll Go Back if You Ask Me To

_There's always cracks__  
__Crack of sunlight__  
__Crack in the mirror on your lips__  
__It's the moment of a sunset Friday__  
__When our conversations twist__  
__It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo__  
__But the ice should be on our heads__  
__We only spun the web to catch ourselves__  
__So we weren't left for dead___

_And I was never looking for approval from anyone but you__  
__And though this journey is over I'll go back if you ask me_ _to_

"**I'm Not Dead" – Pink **

BUFFY POV:

When I wake up the cold sheets next to me tell me what I already know. She ran. Of course she did, it's her first instinct, when things get hard or she starts to feel too vulnerable she takes off. And just like I know she's gone I know she's relapsed. I can feel it edging in through our connection and my heart breaks for her knowing that she feels like this is the only way she can deal. I change quickly because I have to run after her, I would spend the rest of my life bringing her back if that's what it takes. My love for her isn't a here and now thing, it's a forever thing and if it takes forever for her to understand that than I will just have to deal.

I almost wake Mom not knowing what state Faith will be in when I find her and she's less likely to be violent if Mom is there. I decide not to because I don't want her to feel like she's being ambushed so I leave Mom a note explaining what's going on and sneak out the front door grabbing Mom's car keys on the way. I left that part out of the note but I hope she puts two and two together and doesn't freak out too much. I figure Faith won't exactly be all that in control so it will be easier to get her home in the car than trying to walk with her, Mom will understand.

Our connection is fuzzy on account of whatever she's taken but I concentrate on it and it leads me down to the docks. I should've known she would come here; she likes to come down here to think. I think she likes it because she always feels like she has an escape, off into the obscurity of the ocean. At the docks she can face the sea and pretend she's out there when things get to hard, but if she's feeling lonely she can turn and face towards town and remember she has people there. I can see her sitting on the edge the sun rising up over the ocean and I sit and watch her stunned for a moment at how beautiful she looks. I don't know if she realises I'm here but if she does she hasn't made any move that lets on. I walk slowly up the jetty and sit down silently beside her being carefully not to make any sudden movements, I don't want to startle her.

I check her over with my eyes and I know she's not tripping so at least she didn't take LSD or that mystical drug she used the last time. There's an empty syringe lying next to her and I take it and throw it casually into the ocean. Just that simply action is calming, like I'm washing away whatever it is she's done.

"Whatya doin' here B?" she slurs her eyes half lidded and she looks completely relaxed.

"Came to watch the sunrise with you," I say happy that at least she's not violent.

"Didn't wanna run, had to," she says her body slumping against mine.

"I know baby, I know," I say putting my arm around her shoulders. I could yell at her and tell her I'm disappointed that she left, that she used but there's no use telling her when she's like this. She won't remember and I'll just upset myself by having to repeat the already painful conversation.

"Do you hate me 'cause I'm fucked up?" she asks and my heart crumbles at the hopelessness in her tone.

"I love you and will always love you no matter if you're fucked up or not," I tell her kissing the top of her head.

"'Slike I can feel everything I want but I'm too scared to take it, why do ya think issat way?" she asks.

"Some terrible people did some terrible things to you none of which were your fault. You're not afraid of love because of you, you're afraid of love because of them because of what they did to you. Fai, I love you and I will always love you no matter what you do, no matter how you feel you have to deal I'm not going anywhere so you can get it through your head that nothing you can do will make me not want to be with you," I say every earlier intention of not having this talk with her now flying out the window.

"How do I forget?" she asks the tears in her voice make my own start to fall.

"You concentrate on other things, on the good, on us and I will be there every step of the way. Nothing you can do or say can scare me away Fai, I'm in this for the long run and if you feel like you have to run I'm going with you because I don't want to live another day without you in my life," I say and I know it's the truth.

"How can you love someone like me?" she asks softly her body crumpling so her head is resting in my lap.

"You are the best thing to have happened to me. You are sweet, kind, you make me laugh, you make me feel whole and when I'm with you I feel like I was missing something before we were together. Don't question that I love you, don't ask me why I do with my all, you are my life now and I will help you through this, every struggle every hurdle we will make it through together because you and me F, we're a packaged deal from here on out. I just hope that I can help you see what a beautiful human being you are, we all have scars but our scars are what make us who we are, we learn to embrace them and they make us stronger. I Buffy Summers love you Faith Lehane, deal with it," I finish and she is looking up at me with such intensity and feelings behind her eyes that I can't stop myself from leaning down and capturing her lips in mine. Her kiss is hesitant at first but I pour my everything into it and soon she relaxes and is kissing me back with every bit of the intensity that I am feeling.

Her already plump lips are swollen when we finally break apart and there is a clarity in her eyes that I haven't seen before.

"I love you too B," she whispers her eyes meeting mine before sinking closed, "I l-love you too."

We sit together on the docks as the sun rises, her head still resting in my lap as she sleeps off the effects of whatever she took. I have never felt this peaceful, I have never seen her look so peaceful. If possible she usually looks more tormented in her sleep but her expression is serene her breathing deep and I'm glad that I finally laid it all on the line. Maybe this is what she needed, maybe this is the first step for us, maybe just maybe we can get through this and just be us, together.

**A/N: Nearly finished, the next chapter is going to be the last. Just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who has stuck with and reviewed this story really means a lot to me. Hope you enjoyed this one as well. **


	17. Better Than Tonight

_Have you ever wished for an endless night_

_Lassoed the moon and the stars _

_And pulled that rope tight_

_Have you ever held your breath _

_And asked yourself, "Will it ever get better than tonight?"_

"**Glitter in the Air" – Pink**

FAITH POV:

If you'd have asked me awhile ago where I thought I'd be six months from now I'd have probably said dead or lying passed out in some dirty alley somewhere. I never thought I'd be here, in her arms. Of course it was everything I wanted six months ago I just never thought it would ever actually happen.

She is my saviour, she pulled me back from the brink time and time again and I owe her life. Sounds fucking corny I know but I guess corniness comes with happiness must be a packaged deal or something. I crave her now, she is so addictive, she is my drug. I crave her touch, her smell, her voice like nothing I have ever craved before. Withdrawal from her is a thousand times worse than any drug withdrawal I've ever been through.

I have learnt so much from her and I know I still have so much more to learn. She is patient with me, gentle, everything that I have never had. Her smile, her laugh, just her presence help me to forget, it's like every day I'm with her erases a bad day from my past. I still have every fear, every insecurity but she makes them okay, she makes them better and I know I'm more than lucky to have her in my life. She makes me feel whole, complete like she is literally my other half. And right now we are sitting so close together it is almost like we are one.

We're in the cemetery on a group patrol, it's all of us, except Giles and I mean all of us, Xander, Cordelia, Oz, Willow, me and B, the entire Scooby Gang. We're like a fucking chick flick montage we look so happy and coupley. Great now I'm even talking like her. They don't care, she told them and they were actually happy for us. Took me awhile to wrap my head around that one but I accepted it, truly accepted that they've accepted me.

Patrol is pretty quiet so we're sitting on the blanket Red brought along with her. I'm sitting in between her legs my back resting against her body and it is like we are the one person, our hearts beating in sync, beating for one another. The others are in similar positions and they're bantering back and forth while I lean back against her and listen. Her fingers are making patterns on my stomach and I can't stop the contented sighs that escape. She laughs at something Xander said and my heart flutters at the sound, I would gladly listen to that sound for the rest of my life.

I have never felt this warm before, it has spread through my entire body making my fingers tingle. There is no weight on my chest, and I breathe in deeply just to enjoy the peace that a lungful of oxygen can bring. She looks down at me a soft smile across her face almost like she knew what I was doing. She leans down and kisses me softly and I can feel the love and passion being transferred through our connection as her lips gently caress my own. I would stay here in this moment forever, in her arms, kissing her because it cannot get any better than this. It's not possible to feel better than I do in this moment.

"I love you," she whispers in my ear.

"I love you too," I whisper back.

And it's true, I do.

THE END

**A/N: Thank you for taking this ride with me I really appreciate all of you that took the time to leave me reviews. Who doesn't love a happy ending huh ;)**


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